Starbucks Lawsuit

This news item came across my computer from Yahoo news this very week:

“Starbucks is facing a $5 million lawsuit over the amount of ice the chain uses in its drinks

The lawsuit was filed in Northern Illinois Federal Court last week by Stacy Pincus. NBC reports that the suit claims the coffee chain is tricking customers by adding too much ice to its beverages in an attempt to increase the drinks’ profitability.

For example, while a Venti drink is advertised as containing 24 fluid ounces, customers ordering a Venti will typically receive about 14 fluid ounces of the Starbucks cold drink, whether it be ice coffee, ice tea, Refreshers or Fizzio handcrafted sodas. Ice chunks fill up the rest of the cup, something the lawsuit argues is misleading and false advertising….”

The story goes on and on with detail after detail on the pending class law suit against Starbucks. The bottom line here is that somebody is suing Starbucks for $5,000,000 for putting too much ice in their drink.

Many people call the Americans a population that has gone litigation crazy. Some people just call Americans crazy while most people, don’t call Americans at all.

Some see this case as reckless, irresponsible and frivolous. Those who possess a Thesaurus, claim it to be fiddling, foolish, unimportant, incidental, inconsequential, inconsiderable, insignificant, little, Mickey Mouse, minor,minute, negligible, nugatory, slight, small trifling and trivial.

I see this story very differently.  I view this as pure justification of my current pending disagreements with major corporations. This is validation of a lot of great effort from my enthusiastic legal team, to help expose clear injustices in the world.  I appreciate after reading this you will be demanding much deeper detail into the cases below. I have been strongly advised by my counsel that I may not elaborate any more on these cases, for obvious legal reasons. I will clearly state the name of the defendant, and a brief description of the ongoing lawsuit.

Apple Computers: My claim in this groundbreaking case is that, though an apple a day may keep the doctor away, it does not keep the IT service department away from my visiting my computer desk every couple of hours.

My next-door neighbour: Throwing partial grass clippings very close to my front lawn last June 23rd.

My other next door neighbor: (remember many of us, not on corner lots, have two next door neigbours) I am suing this family for shoveling a little of their snow onto my driveway last February 12th.

Neighbourhood Watch Program: For not watching and reprimanding my next-door neighbours for irresponsible and illegal actions.

Coca Cola: I cut my lip on one of their cans, while opening this real thing to cool down my mouth from the hot pizza I was eating.

Domino’s Pizza: For the tasty but very hot pizza that needed a cool drink to soothe the burning roof of my mouth.

FedEx: Knocking on my door much too loudly to alert me of a package arrival. The loud echo from that knock caused a Waterford Crystal vase to tingle and slightly vibrate.

The Waterford Crystal Company: Their items are awfully noisy, especially when the courier shows up. 

Lululemon: For making me look extremely unsexy in their tight fitting, extra large yoga pants.

Government of Canada: I just sue them weekly, for no reason in particular. I traditionally do this right after I write my blog.

Hilton Hotel: The mint on my pillow on Tuesday night was nowhere near the center of that pillow. This lack of symmetry caused me to make many errors in the next morning’s PowerPoint presentation.

PowerPoint: For their restrictive, limited font options that transform my great presentation into boring monlogues. Ironically this entire lawsuit is in a PowerPoint presentation exposing their unflattering fonts. (try saying unflattering fonts three times quickly, and then sue your local elocutionist)

Nike: The shoelaces on my current pair of runners are starting to fray a bit at the tip.

Harley Davidson: I am suing this company, hoping they will settle out of court and I will obtain one of their real cool tee shirts.

Warner Brothers: The truth is I wanted to sue my own brothers, I just thought these brothers would have way more money.

Kellogs: There cereal just gets way too soggy by the end of my breakfast. As I recall the phrase “gross indecency” is spattered all over my legal document.

Disney: I was very disappointed in the ending of The Jungle Book.

Ford Motor Company. Their seatbelts left a very unflattering crease on my Hugo Boss sports jacket.

Hugo Boss: Since my dry cleaner refuses to mend this crease for free, I am going to the original source for this case. I may have to involve the fashion police.

Google Search: This is more of emotional abuse lawsuit. Every day I’m feeling lucky when using their service, yet my lottery winnings indicate I am not very lucky at all.

Sony: Sometimes my TV takes over one and a half seconds to become fully operational.

Wendy’s: The bun that encased my last burger, was not the hue of golden brown I require to truly enjoy my meal. The French fries also spilled a little in my take out bag.

Ikea: The panic attack I experienced by not following the arrows clearly marked on the floor, caused me to stay in the Futon section, much longer than I was planning on that day.

Adidas: See Nike, though in fairness these shoes are a little older.

Coors: A six-pack is not enough for my evening consumption and a twelve pack is far too much and I believe it promotes irresponsible driving habits. Please don’t confuse this with my pending case against my local gym as that is a very different case involving fraudulent six-pack guarantees.

Cellino and Barnes: Now it might seem a little odd to sue a company that sues others. This is why I think I will be successful here. I am still formulating what it is I will be asking for, however this firm’s strong reputation (for ambulance chasing payoffs) and desire to help others is their Achilles heel. They will unwittingly help me in my very own suit against them.

Google Earth: This is a separate lawsuit from my exciting Google Search litigation. The picture of my property looks like the grass needs cutting. I know I cut the lawn the very next day and this has diminished the neighbourhood’s property value. My next-door neighbours would probably agree, if we were speaking to me

Walmart: The shopping cart I used two years ago had such a wonky wheel, that it accidently caused my track pants to lower to a level of such personal unattractiveness, it is now all over the Internet.


Those are a few of the cases I hope to win in the very near future. Without even asking, I can feel your support of the little guy. I was going to use the biblical metaphor David and Goliath here, but my lawsuit against The Bible and that water and wine thing, restricts me from using any biblical references until that case is resolved.


Cue the Blong:  Pretty self explanatory this week.




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