20 Gardening Tips

As the temperature slightly rises in Canada, the parking lots of traditional stores create a large caged in section to remind shoppers that is high time you planted your garden.

As the lines up form behind the cash register where people discuss in rich detail, the difference between perennial and annual, I sit at home with a shovel waiting for my wife to back in the rented 18 wheeler filled with pretty little flowers to begin a very long weekend of planning and planting.

Since this is a shared experience by so many couples, whom (or is that who, one thing for sure, The Whom are not reuniting for another tour this summer) have yet to see the beauty of condo living, I thought I would help with some gardening tips today. I cannot claim to have a green thumb, it is more red, swollen and bloodied because the past weekends chores. This annual or is that perennial injury, will not stop me from helping all the avid gardeners out there.

20 Gardening Tips.


  1. There are companies out there who will dump very large piles of soil at the end of your driveway. This pile of dirt can serve as the location of this year’s garden, if you don’t have the energy or a wheel barrel to move that soil. Research the street parking bylaws, before you commit to this beautiful location for this year’s garden.
  1. When your wife asks you what kind of plant you would like to purchase always answer “hibiscus”.  Avoid at all costs trying to pronounce chrysanthemums.
  2. Remember when you dig a four by for hole for the Japanese Maple Tree you stuffed in the trunk of your car assisted by bungee cords, your spouse will suggest to move that hole about 11 inches to the left of where your hole is currently located.
  3. When you are in your backyard and are ever asked ‘Is that is a weed or a flower?” Always respond flower.
  4. When digging dandelions from your front yard, always use the sharpest knife available.
  5. While at the emergency department of your local hospital, always bring the knife to explain the hemorrhaging from your left thumb. If you wait a little longer for that hospital visit, you thumb will turn green.
  6. On your fifth trip to the gardening center, try to remember to say the flowers in your shopping cart, are the most beautiful flowers you have ever seen.
  7. The use of “Hoes” in gardening, is more frequent that any current rap song.
  8. Strategically placed mulch can cover up most of the mistakes you make when creating the perfect garden.
  9. While in the back shed searching for the gardening gloves, you will always find the Phillip’s screwdriver you lost last summer.
  10. Replanting is part of planting, so stop looking like your work is finished here.
  11. The Patio furniture you currently possess will not be appropriate for this year.
  12. The weed wacker is also a plant wacker so be careful.
  13. The little replaceable strings in your weed wacker, will add more than two hours to the predicted time of that task.
  14. The fertilizer you spread on you lawn will always be the wrong type for the season.
  15. When purchasing the new watering hose at your local hardware store, ask the cashier for a hose bag to carry that item… she will not be amused.
  16. The sprinkler you currently use to water your lawn will never quite cover the area you need to cover.
  17. The lawn service companies will call you daily, and send you flyers in the mail until the middle of December.
  18. If you think your lawn is the most beautiful piece of art in North America, never, and I repeat, never visit the Master’s Golf Tournament.

20. The grass is always greener on the neighbours’s lawn, but your lawn has a much         better personality.

I am sure I could offer so many more gardening tips as May slowly becomes June, but I have run out of propane, so I must make another quick trip to the store. As the owners of the Green Egg recoil with disgust and disapproval, I will start working on next week’s blog, “20 Tips to BBQ the Perfect Steak.”

Let me end by disputing Mr. Gershwin’s claim. “Summer time and the living ain’t easy.”


Cue the Blong: Based on my research of one couple, gardening together is the number one cause of divorce in North America.   I offer this warning:


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