My high school English teacher was very committed to teaching his students grammar and other tools to help his minions to absorb historical language terms before reading any Shakespeare. Of all the many lessons that washed over my under developed brain, ”Oxymoron” was a term that fascinated me. Short phrases with words that immediately contradicted each other caught my attention. He would always use examples like Jumbo Shrimp, Military Intelligence and Little Big Man as the words that directly contradicted each other to help our slow, puberty distracted brains achieve comprehension. With recent events south of our Canadian border, I would suggest that Gun Control is the latest oxymoron we must now accept, as guns in the USA are anything but under control
In past week or so, 10 People killed at a Buffalo grocery store, 19 children in grade 4 and 2 teachers murdered in Uvalde Texas and this week 2 doctors, 1 adminsitrator and a patient shot dead in Tulsa Oklahoma this week. As many send their thoughts and prayers the country once again struggles with bridging common sense and constitutional rights.
Since nothing has been done over the past decades where school shootings are as common as The Who reuniting for their “final” tour, allow this non American to offer a solution so simple, I am surprised it hasn’t become the latest amendment to their cherished constitution.
Now some Wackos are suggesting arming all the teachers to help defend students in their unpredictable classroom experience. I say that is not enough to disuade monthly massacres. No I propose a much simpler plan that will help the country finally sleep at night knowing their children will be attending a safe, happy class in the morning.
Arm all the students.
That’s right, every child from kindergarten to grade12 gets, a pencil, an eraser, a note book, text books’ a ruler and a gun as part of their school orientation. The second amendment will adapt to this brilliant new defense strategy by removing those pesky age restrictions that prejudicially restrict gun access from our children. The NRA and gun lobbyists will see gun sales sky rocket as the post Covid economy gets a little boost to ensure long term financial stability.
As I think this through many might argue that children in kindergarten and earlier grades may have difficulty carrying heavy artillery in the classroom, let alone aiming and shooting their new essential school equipment. This is where the fun begins. Teachers make it a game for 5 year olds to construct with Lego, or other structural building pieces, a colorful solid stand for the kids to place their guns on, to help with the aiming and shooting with their tiny little hands as they boldly demonstrate their right to defend themselves.
Teachers encourage the complexity of the gun stands, as they can reward their little students for innovation and creativity in the game. Inevitably this will become a national sensation with a contest replacing those boring spelling bees, as the ultimate tournament for the younger generation’s affirmation of patriotism, the constitution and their freedom of expression.
This simple plan will solve another problem parents and grandparents face annually as children grow older. “What do I get little Johnny and little Sally for their birthday and Christmas?” Holsters, is the logical and now practical solution. For the little girls this will help in their understanding of fashion and accessorizing as holster with little diamonds or pearls will help elevate the quality of that gift. Grandparents will participate in healthy competition as they outdo each other in their over the top holster offering.
One of the common themes of addressing the gun control oxymoron is the yet unachieved goal of providing some sort of deterrence to these crazed gun toting teenagers who feel they have an issue with their unfulfilled 18 year old lives, naturally their only solution to resolve those feelings of emptiness is to shoot unarmed children. Well if deterrence is the goal, might I suggest arming every child form 5 years old to 18 years old as this might be enough of a hindrance for the next shooter to think twice.
It’s simple math. If a disgruntled killer prepares for an 18th birthday party that includes killing 19 children, he may take a moment to assess his odds of success. I have my new automatic rifle, but if those little potential victims also have guns, I may only be able to slaughter 8 of them, not 19 and frankly that may not work for these goal oriented murderers! Though we admire from afar their commitment to achievement we might also consider the embarrassment of failure in their plan. This just might be the deterrent politicians have struggling to find as the NRA supplies millions of dollars to their next election campaign.
Now in fairness one might suggest this blog is a little out of control as it aimlessly jumps from one crazy idea to another. Out of control is kind of the point as I attempt to make a point.
As with all great ideas, there might be a shortcoming or two but that is always the case with breakthrough thinking. I am sure the Neanderthal who invented the wheel face much skepticism as critics of the day suggested his idea was too round.
I am open to slight alterations, or subtle improvements to my plan but it is always easier to amend a brilliant idea than it is to create a brilliant idea.
I accept this will take time, as bureaucracy will impede the inevitable success of this simple solution to a complex problem. I can wait.
As I wait allow this uninformed Canadian to offer a final thought as your young unarmed children prepare to go to school every morning. Hug your children long and hard before they depart for an unpredictable day in class. Hug them like there is no tomorrow as there may not be a tomorrow for some as that person in your community decides, today is the day for their expression of freedom while exploiting your current loose guidelines of gun control.
Cue the Blong: I wrote this years ago after the massacre in Orlando. Tragically I could have written this today as little has changed…