There was a reference book used years ago that could make a not so wise person sound like a very wise person. The Bartlett Book of Quotations, stored five thousand years of wise things other people had said. Though Bartlett did not contribute one original idea to his book, he was given credit as its author. This business plan is so clever, it later spawned the popular generic drug manufacturer model. If you ever browse through this historic reference, you will quickly discover you have never said anything worth repeating. You will also realize that you have said many things without giving credit to the original author.
Using brilliant quotations to make a point is a time honoured tradition at social gatherings. This is also a very popular idea with leaders of industry, when they want to inspire you before the meeting ends. There are exceptions.
Meetings where the president of your company is so embarrassed by the current state of the bankrupt business they lead, they have no idea what to say. All the employees suspect things are bad when the table for coffee, at the all employee meeting, has no cherry danishes. To distract you, the president will always remind you that there is no “I” in team. Technically this is correct, but there is an “I” in time, and it won’t take you much time to figure out there are a couple of important “I” s in receivership.
Bartlett’s book relies on well-known global icons, like Mother Theresa, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln and Adam Sandler, for much of its content. I have sent Mr. Bartlett volumes of wise things I have said, and so far no response. This might be because John Bartlett died in 1905, but more likely because my wisdom is not wise enough. Or as I said in one of best quotable quotes I sent to him last month,, “Whys do you nots think I’m wise?” I thought using wise and whys together in one quote, would get me the front page of his next edition.
I have not been dismayed by the tepid response from the Bartlett people, as I continue to utter very wise things hourly. I submit to you a preview of my next document that will land at the Bartlett building any day now. To improve my chances of appearing in his revered book, I not only created my own wise proverbs, but I also decided to improve some of the book’s current pieces of wisdom.
Loose lips sink ships, though a torpedo can also help if sinking ships is your thing.
I love the leaves on trees, but they never seem to fall for me.
I have had many successes in my life, but I can’t think of any examples right now.
A perfect couple, is like a dinosaur. I have read about it, but never actually seen it in real life.
The bigger the shovel, the heavier the dirt.
It is better to have love and lost, than to sit for an hour with a life insurance agent.
Of all the joys one life can experience, lawn croquet never makes the top 100.
Change is hard, but finding exact change in your tight jean’s front pocket while in the drive through is even harder.
Lend me your ears, if that seems like too much to ask, how about $42.00 until the end of the week.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, an arm for an arm, an ear for an ear. You get the point, always trade fairly.
Fools rush in, every time Apple introduces a new phone.
Never leave for tomorrow, for something you have already done.
If you can’t stand the heat, I would adjust my thermostat immediately.
A bird in the hand is way better than a crocodile on your arm.
The pen is mightier than the sword, except during a Zombie apocalypse.
Keep your friends close, your enemies even closer, but I would recommend to move to a different town from your immediate family.
You can catch more fries with vinegar than with honey.
To err is human, to forgive divine, but putting an Ikea dresser together without using the directions is euphoric.
You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all the people all of the time, unless you’re running for some political office.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. As you get stronger, you will find your friends will get weaker. That is the time to attack, so they can get stronger too.
A picture is worth a thousand words, unless you are at an auction bidding for a Rembrandt painting. I promise you they will demand a little more than words when it is time to pay.
I think therefore I am unable to reply to your email right now.
No news is Fox News.
It is no use crying over spilt milk, unless that milk spills on your IPad, then cry your eyes out.
Beauty is only skin deep, botox goes even deeper, and a skilled plastic surgeon can find depths to your beauty, you never thought possible.
Necessity is the mother of invention, but father always take the credit.
A penny saved is a penny earned, though you will find the long-term interest on your small investment tends to be disappointing.
All you need is Love. A paid off mortgage, responsible children, a job you enjoy and a decent cup of coffee is kind of important too, but so is love.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that is why the traffic is so busy on that road.
He who hesitates is lost. More often it turns out to be caused by your car’s GPS navigation system.
All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy. This is probably also true even if your name is Leviticus.
Honesty is the best policy, yet surprisingly no government to date, has put this best policy into practise.
Sticks and stones can break your bones… but please stop throwing sticks and stones at me, cause even though my bones seem unfractured, those sticks and stones really hurt… especially the pointy ones.
Only you can prevent forest fires, but the guy beside you with the lighted match in one hand, twigs in the other, and is wearing a bright yellow tee shirt that says “I am an arsonist”, may not be into this prevention stance as much as you.
This concludes this week’s pieces of wisdom. I appreciate wisdom is in the ear of the beholder, or as wise woman said, You can lead a man to water, but you can’t make him think.
Cue the Blong: It Was All In My Head. Perhaps this week’s title is a little too accurate.