Creepy

Creepy

Numbers are important. Numbers help many of us describe how many years we have been on this planet. Numbers also help us determine how many hours your guests have been at your party, and how many hours they will remain. Numbers are critical when staring at your weigh scales to help determine your current mass. I find shadows also help with this determination, though the sun at high noon can make you look considerably skinnier than you truly are.

Numbers are also great for assessing how much money your bank account needs to stop those pestering calls from your creditors. I could go on forever about the importance of numbers, but like the number infinity, numbers can lead to confusion, which leads to alcohol, which leads to forgetting to count the number of drinks one can realistically consume before you start singing Danny Boy..

As you stand there with that confused look on your face, that same look mathematicians display when addressing Pi, let’s change the topic. Topic changing also causes confusion, but in my experience, it causes a much less distressing confused look.

Words are important. Words help many of us to describe with much more detail, how many years we have been on this planet. Words can help us express the pain our guests are causing because they never leave and seem to be planning to sleep over. I could go on about words, and words do tend to help me go on and on.  For a brief moment I will ignore every word known to mankind, except one.

Of all the words and numbers that are available for us to use at any given moment, and I checked there are many, there is one word that can change your world as you know it. Now this word is a particularly gender specific word. When used to describe a movie this word will quickly wash away. When used to describe a Halloween costume, it has no permanence. But when used to describe any male it will stick forever, or even longer. This is why it is important to understand the concept of infinity. For those who tend to read the titles of my blogs you have already determined the word. For those who don’t ever read my weekly prose, I suppose the next sentence won’t matter that much. The word is Creepy!

Think about that word for a second, because there is no coming back from that label. If you are a male even slightly associated with those six letters, learn to live alone. Most people and many parrots have a limited vocabulary that help describe things. No word currently in any dictionary has the impact of Creepy.

Let me start with other words that most men can eventually overcome. I often hear them whispered as I quietly walk away from my normal self absorbed conversations. Jerk is a common one.  Slob is another one.  A word that ends with hole, and is alphabetically second on people’s descriptor list of me, right after arrogant, are words I have survived. Insensitive and oversensitive though paradoxical, I have stubbornly come to accept, Heartless, soulless, and any other word that ends with less are common adjectives used to describe most men.  I have never, and that may change after today, but let me repeat I have never been called Creepy.

You cannot survive Creepy. Like that indelible tattoo of your first girlfriend you cover up with a turtleneck at the job interview, it is there forever. As an aside, it wasn’t because you had a large tattoo that you didn’t get the job. It was because you actually wore a turtleneck to the interview. Creepy never goes away.

Reflect for a moment, on the few instances you have used this label for a male friend. The odds are you have never asked that man to babysit your young children. When your single female friends are looking into the future, and decide that a male is a slightly better option to invitro, I can assure you that you never set them up with any male friend, who long ago you described as creepy.

As I try to diagnose the reasons for tagging certain people possessing the Y chromosome with that word that rhymes with weepy, I try to think of those stories that are often shared by friends that all end with the similar phrase, “and he was a little creepy.”

Reasoning is a highly developed skill, that allows you to make very good decisions about most things for the betterment of your life. Here are some of my reasons I think people are described as Creepy.  I present these in the form of things to avoid as a guide for disassociation with this label. Based on a relatively small sample size, it occurs to me there are some consistent attributes that can only lead to the conclusion of Creepy.  Sadly this commentary will have little effect, as the harsh reality seems to suggest that most creepy men have no idea of their creepiness, which makes them even creepier.

Things to Avoid 1

When talking to fully formed adult women, try to veer your eyes towards the eyes of the woman you are talking to for at least seven seconds.

Things to Avoid 2

When topics of current conversations about the political strife in third world countries are occurring, try not to mention your attraction to teenage girls.

Things to Avoid 3

When attending large family functions, resist your temptation to constantly tickle the little ones.

Things to Avoid 4

Shower once in a while.

Things to Avoid 5

Stop looking for reasons to provide very long hugs to female strangers who seem to be in emotionally turmoil.

Things to Avoid 6

When a good friend’s husband has died, resist bringing up your new single status to the widow at the funeral.

Things to Avoid 7

When discussing the reasons for your sixth divorce, avoid the phrase, “she just didn’t understand me.”

Things to Avoid 8

In the rare event, that someone publically describes you as “creepy” try not to look pleased, like this was a compliment.

Things to Avoid 9

Don’t get a gym membership just to go and watch the ladies work out.

Things to Avoid 10

The final Avoidance tip, addresses more the users of the word than the recipients. If someone creeps you out, go with your gut and run away as quickly as your beautiful legs, those legs the creep just complimented you about with his lecherous smile, will allow.  (Always carry running shoes in your purse.)

My valiant effort to define a certain labeled segment of our population ends. I am sure you have many other personal descriptors, as this list is by no means the definitive list.  I must however, stop typing as this entire wordy submission is even starting to creep me out.

I rarely end with a question, by rarely I of course mean never.  What I am delicately trying  to ask is “What is the female equivalent of “Creepy”?  I have yet to discover that word, so please send me your suggestions and I promise to compose a gender rebuttal to this week’s blong.  Democracy will rule for the most consistent word.  If there is a tie, I will default to the word with the most syllables.

 

Cue the blong. A hurting song that taps into my Southern Ontario blues roots. Appreciate it isn’t really the south, but sometimes the blues can travel north.  This happens only if you get the right wind current flowing up from the Mississippi River, veers right up the Ohio River and eventually gets to Bronte Creek. This unfortunately happened yesterday.

It’s Over Baby