New Year Resolutions
Well this is a pretty obvious topic as we wave good buy, sorry that should be good bye to 2016. Good buy was what my psychiatrist would call a Freudian slip as I continue to hope the presents I purchased were well received by the lucky ones who made my list. I did purchase a lovely sexy black lace Freudian slip for my wife, which she immediately returned for some soft cotton Freudian pajamas, to subliminally remind me that that she prefers black lace licorice to black lace negligees these days.
Twitter has been inundated with tweets about what people with computers are committing to resolve in 2017. Other social media outlets are also overpopulated with personal professions of change. These public declarations are important as research suggests, the moment you go public with any commitment, you increase the chance of success by more than 1 percent.
The idea of being a very unpleasant person for 364 days a year, and then somehow absolving yourself of any accountability for that behavior on the last day of the year has such universal appeal, it becomes irresistible. Speaking of irresistible, I used to be described that way until people gained superpowers and learned to resist me. If by chance, you had watched the Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol during your holiday, you might also be motivated by fear. Avoiding visits from three ghosts who might frighten you into buying your employees a prize goose, could interfere with your plans to take over the world.
On New Year’s Eve, my inconsiderate hosts ran out of scotch, and since it is considered bad form to make resolutions for others, I will take the high road and address this new year with a maturity only people like me and the Pope can hope to achieve. Please don’t search for “becoming more mature” in this list, because clearly I achieved that resolution last year.
Be more tolerant of all BMW drivers who haven’t found their turn signals.
Up my dose of medication that attempts to cure my doorknobaphobia. (My fear of running backwards swiftly at unsuspecting door knobs)
Engage in conversations about the Kardashians with senior citizens to keep them up on current events.
Invent a longer duration snooze button for my alarm clock.
Stop swearing… Swear less… Revision: Swear more.
Resist from boasting I am a bit of a “handyman” that end with cell phone photos displaying structures improved with a paper clip, an elastic band and three pieces of duct tape.
Refrain from telling the young ones music was better when I was a teenager and then take 40 minutes to find my 8 track player to reenforce my argument.
Stop repeating myself.
Stop repeating myself (I know you saw that one coming).
Get a handicap parking sticker since I park there anyway.
Hang up faster on telemarketers unless my ducts are in need of a little cleaning.
Avoid adding new pink garments with the white load on laundry day.
Resist sharing life lessons by relating every thing you know to episodes from Gilligan’s Island.
Use my expired Visa card for my ninety-cent purchases during my daily drive-through visits to ensure the cars behind me have functioning horns.
Stop repeating myself (admit it you never saw that one coming).
Encourage the solicitors, who arrive at my door during meals, to tell me more details about their fantastic deals on drive way sealing.
Exercise daily… Exercise weekly…. Exercise monthly… replace the stairs in my house with an elevator.
Always send back the first bottle of expensive wine when dining at fine restaurants, the staff will be impressed with your sophisticated palate.
Be more neighbourly, but only if this is also on my neighbour’s resolution list.
Break into the neighbour’s houses to check their New Year’s resolutions.
Change the sheets in the spare bedroom before forgetting my wedding anniversary this year.
Be nicer to my much older friends and family members, as everybody has potential to change their Will.
Join in sing alongs and try to drown out the others with wrong lyrics during the chorus.
Start writing funny blogs in 2018, but not early in 2018, I was thinking around October.
Well there it is, a list for the ages. I appreciate we are already well into the first weeks of January, however a wise man once said, “Today is the tomorrow you were worrying about yesterday. “ Or was it “Never put off today what you can put off indefinitely.” No it was “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away”.
Cue the Blong: One final resolution, more of a wish than a resolution: I Wish I Could Dance
Visual Evidence to support the impossibility of my dancing resolution. Like public declaration, public humiliation is a powerful deterrent.