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Medium Regular

Well it has been a while since I shared data from a survey. This is because I don’t understand data and I am not sure how to do a survey. It did occur to me that the general population would really want to know if your choice of coffee could determine your current and future personality traits. I looked up types of surveys recently conducted by professional polling agencies, and it seemed very complicated. I tapped into my 30 years of work in the health care industry where double blind placebo controlled studies were part of the evidence based medicines I discussed every day. That type of rigid unbiased information is also a little beyond my capabilities

I drink a medium regular coffee. For the uninformed, this is a coffee with cream and sugar. Medium regular are almost interchangeable words. Words that describe unremarkable, blasé, middle of the road and dare I say it, boring in its mediocrity. My friends sing “Stuck in the Middle with You” every time we meet. Since the preceding is a perfect description of me and my dullness, I feel more than qualified to make bold conclusions about others, based on the way they order their coffee.

My research was rather easy to do with two distinct scientific approaches. I observed people in line of coffee shops, and made notes on their orders and their look. I also observed people in drive through with my rearview mirror and my window down to try and hear their orders. Approach two was a little less reliable as people’s windshields were often dirty and it was hard to observe the true essence of their being. Here are the results of this much anticipated work!

Coffee Order \ Personality disorder Theorem.

(Editors note: To avoid prejudicial bias, I went both Tim Horton and Starbuck Franchises.)

Tim Hortons

Order: Small Black

Disorder:

People who order a small black coffee should not be allowed to order coffee at all. It is so pure in its simplicity it seems almost impure. I would submit that most of these people are ex-convicts striving for a better life, and hope the order does not bring attention to the ankle bracelet they are currently wearing.

Order: Extra Large Double Double

Disorder:

This is the epitomy of those grandiose, grand standing “hey look at me” type of people. They are inconsiderate to a fault as they force the staff to pour hot coffee for a much longer time, putting their bodies at risk of a serious burn. They tend to wear odd looking hats that could use a good blocking and will initate conversation in line with openers that always start with, “Good morning what a great day it is to be alive!”

Order: Large half decaf, half caf with milk.

Disorder:

This growing population are all Libras. The have risen to middle management in their organizations and that is where they are going to stay. They are incapable of making a decision, but will always criticize the decisions others make. In fairness most do wear very nice shoes.

Starbucks

Order: Cappuccino

Disorder:

There is a sad longing in the eyes of each of these customers. They have roots in foreign countries where residents are a lot friendlier than they currently are. Their unfriendliness is masked by their skill of being quite good at using a stir stick. People mistake the white stuff on their mouths as foaming at the mouth, but lets not mistake lack of hygiene with the need for anger management courses.

Order: Café au Lait

Disorder:

Pretension isn’t a descriptor, it’s a lifestyle for this group of upper class coffee consumers. One should avoid making eye contact with any of the sweater not worn, but over the shoulder gang. They will always pay with an American Express platinum card, forget to take it back, until the employee speaks loudly, “Anyone missing an American Express Platinum Card?” Shyly they will half raise their hand and will look around saying “I guess that’s me”. Raising their hand will disrupt the perfect synchronicity of their shoulder sweater, however without the assistance of a mirror they will place it back looking perfect as they ask for extra cinnamon.

Order: Chai Latte

Disorder:

This tee shirt wearing contact lens using coffee nerd, works in your IT department. There is a constant look of bewilderment in their left eye, as they will never understand the term” deadline” which populates every email they receive. Their ability to discuss hardware and software with equal confusing language, has kept them employed for decades.

Order: Iced White Chocolate Mocha

Disorder:

The Peter Pan syndrome is often used to describe adults who won’t grow up. This coffee order is popular with young adults, who refuse to give their parents the credit card back. The introduction of a cold coffee drink helped the industry make up a word called “ Barista”. Baristas now compete with Sommeliers to help commoners understand how little they understand about drinking things. Cold coffee changed the world as we know it, as straws, versus stir sticks became a battle that continues, without a declared winner.

(Editors note: Like alcohol, if we had put a minimum age limit to ordering coffee, none of this would have happened.)
(Editors note: I am the editor)
(Editors note: I secretly admire people with a certain expertise, since I have never possessed that quality in anything… except the proper way to replace staples in a stapler without causing excessive bleeding)

Order: Tea

Disorder:

These non-conformists are the bane of humanity’s existence. People who go into a coffee shop and order tea, are the same ones who go into a hardware store to get their groceries. Rebellion is attractive, but only if you are riding a motorcycle.

(Editors last note or I swear I will fire the editor! Because brewing a coffee costs twenty-one cents, and shops charge from $1.00 to 145.00 for a coffee, head offices thought they had created the greatest profit margin formula ever. When the first radical ordered a tea in a coffee shop, the accountants started dancing in the hallways of the head office, as tea costs only 11 cents to make. Now there are hundreds of versions of teas available and Tea Shops are popping up as quickly as Sushi Restaurants.

A theorem is really just an idea, without the uncomfortable shackles of science or evidence. Theories are similar, but because it is a plural form, I am going to assume there is a lot more wonderful information in theories. My mediocrity comes shining through with the information above, which makes my medium regular coffee even tastier today.

Cue the Blong: Weather the Storm. Of course this song would sound so much better sung by a female singer…

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4 thoughts on “Medium Regular

  1. Enjoyed your highly scientific survey, but as with most studies of this kind, the conclusion is always “More Research Is Needed.” What I want to know is “What impact would controlling the drive-thru variable have on the diagnosed disorder?” For example, does the person who orders tea at the drive-thru suffer from the same affliction as the one who orders in-store. I look forward to the results of this study!

  2. “I secretly admire people with a certain expertise, since I have never possessed that quality in anything… ” I beg to differ, dennisbreakingwell. Saw you performing at The Oakville Centre recently and your presentation was, by far, the most entertaining of all! I couldn’t take my eyes off of you!

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