New Year’s Solutions
Many of us have stopped making New Year’s Resolutions because we expect others to disappoint us, but we never expect that from ourselves. Some people still make resolutions only to have something to talk about at the New Year’s Eve party. My father used to call New Year’s Eve “Amateur Night” as he was a bit of a party animal. He observed that most of the people who attend New Year’s Eve parties did not possess his extensive experience in drinking and often behave poorly, because it is notably the only party they arre invited to for the whole year. Experience matters!
Well I failed miserably with last year’s resolution even though I only made one commitment. I was simply going to invent a time machine to go back to high school and pay more attention to the lessons in my Geography Class. I was doing this to ensure I would stop misspelling Mississauga when I sent letters to people there. Mississauga is a name that not even spell check can resolve. Well I failed at inventing that time machine, though I am using the flux capacitor as a candle holder. One annoying result of my failure is people from Mississippi keep sending me letters asking to stop sending them mail.
Since my results were poor last year, I have changed the word resolution to its root solution. Since I am so adept at solving everyone’s problems except my own, and frankly I don’t like prefixes, I thought the word change would inspire me. I have also decided to expand the volume to increase the chances of success.
Stop making fun of the Belgians… until after they leave the room
Respond to urgent email messages within the month they were sent.
When the Jehovah witnesses knock on the door, give them a long uncomfortable hug, and ask for more pamphlets so I can distribute them to the neighbours they may have missed.
The role of Neighbourhood Narc will become less relevant when the Marijuana legislation becomes law.
Call Bell and thank them for inventing call display.
Start acting like a grumpy old man, so that transition is not so difficult when I get older.
Do not repeat what I bragged about during hosting of this year’s Christmas Dinner. I simply explained to all the guests that the reason the turkey was so moist was I continually stood by the oven drenching the bird because I am a Master Baster.
When asking people “ How are you?” actually wait for a response before going back to my phone to see if anyone liked the cat pictures I posted on Facebook.
Continue correcting people who get the lyrics wrong to “Hotel California”
Delete the 421 shows I saved on my PVR in 2017.
Learn a new card trick, and check the job postings for magicians on LinkedIn.
When women ask me if their outfit makes them look fat? Stop responding with “I would say more obese than fat”
Honk the car more often in any drive through as a gentle way to let the cars ahead of me know that I am looking forward to receiving my order shortly.
Try to look more interested when people show me their DNA results from Ancestry.com.
Embrace technology. Don’t learn it, just embrace it because we all need a hug once in a while.
Review the directions on how to operate the treadmill I purchased to celebrate the new millennium.
Get a 2018 Calendar at the Calendar store in September cause they’re always on sale that time of year.
When visiting my mother at the old age home, resist playing with the abandoned wheelchairs in the hall.
Get those Blue Boxes back in the garage before the next garbage day.
Drive slower in the HOV lanes to fit in with the unwritten rules people seem to know better than I.
Improve the angle of the hand held mirror I use to ensure my expanding bald spot receives its proper camouflage
Remember to launder my Speedo bathing suit early in the spring to optimize it’s usage at the many summer pool parties I attend.
Congratulate those Telemarketers who now use local numbers to have those memorable duct cleaning conversations.
Buy a tombstone when they go on sale this summer.
Purchase a chisel when they go on sale this summer.
Carve “I said my feet were killing me” on the tombstone. (Back up: “Loved Bacon oh and his wife and kids too”)
When elderly people at the bank machine ask me if you could check their balance, stop tipping them over and laughing.
Keep celebrating the tradition of removing my snow tires on the 1st of July.
Lower the price of the partially used jar of Mayonaise I placed on Kijij last October.
Accept the hard cold truth that I am never gong to be People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”
Explain to my frustrated financial planner that I have really good feeling about the lottery ticket i bought this week.
Well there they are. The last one is more important than the others, and frankly my well planned retirement life is kind of depending on it.
Cue the Blong. There are a lot of words one could consider to describe 2017. I choose Madness.