New Year’s Solutions
Many of us have stopped making New Year’s Resolutions because we expect others to disappoint us, but we never expect that from ourselves. Some people still make resolutions only to have something to talk about at the New Year’s Eve party. My father used to call New Year’s Eve “Amateur Night” as he was a bit of a party animal. He observed that most of the people who attend New Year’s Eve parties did not possess his extensive experience in drinking and often behave poorly, because it is notably the only party they are invited to for the whole year. Experience matters!
Well I failed miserably with last year’s resolutions, even though I only made one commitment. I was simply going to invent a time machine to go back to high school and pay more attention to the lessons in my Geography Class. I was doing this to ensure I would stop misspelling Mississauga when I sent letters to people there. Mississauga is a name that not even spell check can resolve. Well I failed at inventing that time machine, though I am using the flux capacitor as a candle holder. One annoying result of my failure is people from Mississippi keep sending me letters asking to stop sending them mail.
Since my results were poor last year, I have changed the word resolution to its root solution. Since I am so adept at solving everyone’s problems except my own, and frankly I don’t like prefixes, I thought the word change would inspire me. I have also decided to expand the volume of commitments this year,to increase the chances of success.
Stop making fun of the Belgians… until after they leave the room
Respond to urgent email messages within the month they were sent.
When the Jehovah witnesses knock on the door, give them a long uncomfortable hug, and ask for extra pamphlets in case you lose them .
The role of Neighbourhood Narc has become less relevant with the new Marijuana legislation. Now I just call when neighbours park on the street overnight, the satisfaction is similar.
Call Bell and thank them for inventing call display though I suppose others not answering my calls suggest we are all celebrating the greatest invention of this century.
Start acting like a grumpy old man, so that transition is not so difficult when I get older.
Do not repeat what I bragged about during hosting of this year’s Christmas Dinner. I simply explained to all the guests that the reason the turkey was so moist was I continually stood by the oven drenching the bird because I am a Master Baster.
When asking people “ How are you?” actually wait for a response before going back to my phone to see if anyone liked the cat pictures you posted 6 months ago.
Continue correcting people who get the lyrics wrong to “Hotel California”
Delete the 421 shows I saved on my PVR in 2018 except the Who’s the Boss reunion special.
Learn a new card trick, and check the job postings for magicians on LinkedIn.
When women ask me if their outfit makes them look fat? Stop responding with another question, “Define fat?”
Honk the car more often in any drive through because people ahead of you are very concerned about your order.
Try to look a lot more interested when people show me their DNA results from Ancestry.com.
Embrace technology. Don’t learn it, just embrace it because we all need a hug once in a while.
Review those directions one more time on how to operate the treadmill you purchased to celebrate the new millennium.
Get a 2019 Calendar at the Calendar store in late September cause they’re always on sale that time of year.
When visiting my mother at the old age home, stop checking her will on the way into her room.
Use more Emojis this year 🙂 😦 😐
Get those Blue Boxes back in the garage before the next garbage day.
Try new things, like gambling on line, as retirement is not going to fund itself.
Drive slower in the HOV lanes to fit in with the unwritten rules people seem to know better than I.
Improve the angle of your hand held mirror I use to ensure my expanding bald spot receives its proper camouflage
Remember to launder my Speedo bathing suit early in the spring to optimize it’s usage at the many summer pool parties I attend.
Congratulate those Telemarketers who now use local numbers for alerting you to your tax problems, your computer virus and your surprising refunds on things your didn’t buy. Getting nostalgic about duct cleaning calls is becoming a little sentimental.
When elderly people at the bank machine ask me if you could check their balance, stop tipping them over and laughing.
Keep celebrating the tradition of removing my snow tires on the 1st of July.
Lower the price of the partially used jar of Mayonaise I placed on Kijij last October.
Accept the hard cold truth that I am never gong to be People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”
When attending funerals stop playing the game “Who’s Next?”
Now might be a good time to change the batteries in your smoke detector, since it has been beeping for 11 months.
Try to be a better person, but not a much better person this year as that sounds exhausting!
Happy New Year to all whether you use the Gregorian Calendar, the Julian Calendar, or the Google Calendar. If you still rely on the Egyptian Calendar, Mark “Release Slaves” on your to do list.
Cue the Blong. There are a lot of words one could consider to describe 2018. I choose Madness.