The excitement of getting a free necklace for my wife just before Christmas was more than I could bear. A certain large store at a certain large mall was offering a certain person (me), a priceless necklace just for becoming a part of their team. Okay the price was $12.37, but is there really a price for gifts to your spouse? Of course there is and three independent jewelry stores in that very same mall confirmed this priceless price after a detailed painful appraisal. This painful appraisal was immediately followed with painful looks from my bespectacled jewelry professionals. Note to all: If you are going to have your jewellery appraised, ensure its value exceeds the price of a latte at Starbucks. I received this priceless piece of bling for quickly filling out some paper work that would allow me to acquire their exclusive credit card. My excitement for this free gift forced my heart to beat at a hypertensive rate, and that tachycardia always leads to very quick cursive handwriting that many might call illegible.
My ability to scribble unreadable cursive writing is part of my academic legend. Now an interesting story about the word illegible. My first Kindergarten report card from Lorne Skuce school was filled with A’s and B’s, however under the topic of printing the teacher Mrs. Adams, added the comment, “Dennis’s printing is illegible”. Now because I was only five years old, with a vocabulary of one hundred and seventeen words, I thought this was a compliment. I appreciate I started this section by saying “an interesting story”, but the truth in most cases of most “interesting stories”. are only interesting to the person telling the stories.
Well a few weeks after the Christmas season I received my well earned credit card from this major retailer. I suppose there was a bit of a double celebration at the store’s credit card division. They celebrated my eligibility with my illegibility for this exclusive card. My new card was now recognizing Mr. Doremis Furd as their newest highly respected customer. My old name Dennis Ford, seemed so boring now.
Realizing I now had a secret identity, I got excited that I had now been placed in the same category as other dual identity legends. Superman had Clark Kent, Batman had Bruce Wayne Adolf Hitler had Charlie Chaplin and now Dennis Ford has Doremis Furd. The prospects of this exciting secret presented possibilities that even the most creative marketing director could not imagine. Crime fighting, creating fraudulent cheques or even becoming a clandestine source for Wikileaks were just a few options that came quickly to my very small mind.
Before I get to these endless options of masquerade, I couldn’t help but wonder how that store employee created my new identity. Imagine the person translating my hurried scribbled from Dennis Ford into what is now Doremis Furd in their data base.
First of all this name Doremis, does not exist in any language that is spoken today. Trust me I Googled this for hours. It is the name of a hypertensive drug in Croatia but the most popular use of this title is at a small dog clinic in Sweden. Since Furd and fiord seemed like similar word I expanded my research. Well the proper spelling of fiord is fjord and the fact that spell check even gave me options for fjord, only elevated the enthusiasm for my new name. Fjord is a Norwegian word and according my globe, Norway is very close to Sweden. It became very clear my new family roots were Scandinavian. A fjord is a narrow inlet of water located between cliffs and steep slopes and if cliff diving is your thing, you already new this. If cliff diving is not your thing,you are probably not the annoying guy at company parties who incessantly brags about how many times they have Bunjee jumped.
My new scandalous Scandinavian secret identity led me to the next obvious move. I immediately applied for a job at IKEA. The interview didn’t go well, as my dexterity with an Alan Key was not as strong as they had hoped. My practical test constructing a beautiful multi purpose Futon, ended with fourteen unused pieces and a bag of unused bolts. As I was quickly escorted out of their office, I felt this was the perfect time to mention, that their Swedish meatballs were considerably smaller than most people expect.
Now unusual names are becoming more common in this ever shrinking global world. We have easily accepted monikers over time like, Reese Witherspoon, Leonardo Da Vinci, Nelson Mandela, Barrack Obama and Pee Wee Herman, so clearly the acceptance of Doremis Furd is inevitable over time.
There is however, one name that I predict will take a longer time for the world to accept and frankly pronounce…. Sherman Santiwiwatthanaphong. This young lady plays professional golf on the LPGA tour.
First a little history lesson: For the non-sports fans out there, let me share that there is a professional golf tour exclusively for woman to play for large amounts of money, almost one tenth of the average purses on the men’s tour. For the slightly older men out there, let me alert you to the fact that woman are allowed to work and earn their own salaries, as long as they keep up with the housework. Finally for the much older white men out there, currently watching Fox News, let me share that women are now legally allowed to vote in elections in many countries.
Now Sherman Santiwiwatthanaphong is not a name that falls gently from your tongue, unless your tongue has Olympic capability. My dream this summer is that this young lady from Thailand, is in contention for a major golf tournament only so that I can hear the announcers pronounce this name continually, as gallons of saliva spews onto their quiet microphones. In fairness my real dream is that Doremis Furd is in contention for the men’s U.S Open golf tournament, but apparently you have to qualify for that national championship, and it is strongly suggested that participants must be able to break 100 once in a while.
So the question on everybody’s mind is “Did my wife love her beautiful free $12.37 necklace?” Well of course she did. She thanked me, tried it on and placed it in her jewelry box in that vey special section for the bling that she reserves for things her husband bought her. That compartment is getting so crowded that she may have to dedicate another area for my gifts. She values my trinket choices with such reverence, that she never wears any of my discount jewelry purchases, because she fears they will be stolen, if they are ever carelessly exposed to the jealous,coveting public. Clearly it is time for me to invest in a safety deposit box.
My quality of my life has improved exponentially lately. Before making any important life altering decisions, I now simply ask, “What would Doremis Furd do?”
Cue the blong; So many names, so little time. Last Night (the WoHo Song)