There is no business model that holds the prestige and respect today, as much as the talented participants who choose to be professionals who dedicate their lives to telemarketing. These trail blazing entrepreneurs work tirelessly at all hours of the day just to ensure your household has every convenience you deserve.

None of those impersonal emails, texts or tweets will satisfy the people who cultivate this kind of business relationship. Only the touching one to one phone call will do, when aspiring to create a strong interpersonal relationship based on trust hard work and customers too cheap to get the call display option with their phone company.

A well-rehearsed, unscripted conversation is just the evening tonic one needs, after surviving a hard day at the office, the plant or the coal mines.

Telemarketer: Good evening sir, how was your day?

Me:  I am so glad you asked. This morning the computers went down at the office. This was very unfortunate, as I kind of depend on my laptop to give the impression that I am working constantly during business hours. I tend to send about 100 emails a day, hoping to eventually get a response from coworkers and customers. I appreciate this is nothing like your job, but you did ask.

Telemarketer:  I can feel an unbreakable bond with our shared dedication to our work. Are you the homeowner of the residence?

Me:  Well if you define homeowner as the one who has signed away the next forty years of his life to a bank that insists I contribute monthly payments to a crippling mortgage, than yes I am the homeowner.

Telemarketer:  Great, I am talking to the right person. Are you aware of the new laws regarding carbon monoxide alarms in the household today?

Me:  I am not aware of this at all. Please tell me more. 

Telemarketer:  Excuse me, but no one has ever said that to me before. I get to go to page seven now, just a second.

Me:   No please don’t skip any of your information, I like to be full informed before I make any decisions about how much poisonous carbon dioxide I am willing to tolerate in my home.

Telemarketer:   Fair enough.  Thanks, but I just dropped all of my papers on the floor, could you hold a second as now they are all in the wrong order.

Me:   You know what would be a lot of fun? Just pick up the sheets and start reading them in the order you found them. I will try to chronologically put your information in the proper order as you speak.

Telemarketer:  Oh thank you that will make this so much easier for me.

Me:   Not a problem, I am in the kitchen trying to get a meal for my family prepared, and this is such a productive way of helping me with the many needs of my family.

Telemarketer:  Is my accent distracting you from comprehending the important information I am attempting to share?

Me:  Not at all. I am a huge fan of foreign films, and this is only tightening the bond between us and our shared under appreciation for the Bollywood film genre.

Telemarketer:  I can’t believe how connected I feel to you right now. Now back to the dangers of carbon monoxide in the home.

Me:  Can you hold for just a moment, my oven is preheating and I think it is time to put the casserole on the rack.

Telemarketer:  Not at all…

(45 minutes later)

Me:  You know there is a lot of smoke coming from the oven, I think I may have overcooked the meal. Is that smoke the kind of thing that could cause carbon dioxide.

Telemarketer:  Sir that is exactly what we are trying to help you with today.

Me:  So are you suggesting I should not be inhaling in all the toxic chemicals spewing from my appliance right now?

Telemarketer:  Do you think there might be carbon monoxide in those fumes?

Me:  Not sure but man this food sure smells fantastic. I wish you could come over and join us for dinner?

Telemarketer:  I only get a fifteen-minute break every three hours.

Me:  Oh No! The smoke detector just went off, can you hold a second I have to open the windows.

Telemarketer:  Are your windows in good shape, because we also have a salesperson in your area right now, and well insulated windows could save you thousands of dollars a year on your heating bills.

Me:  But won’t those well insulated windows keep all the carbon monoxide trapped in my house?

Telemarketer:  Wait a second, I have to go to a different file to answer that question.

Me:  Well if you are going to more files, I guess this would be a great time to share with you my deep concerns about the duct system in this residence. I am embarrassed to tell you how neglectful I have been regarding my ducts. I guess it is high time I got all my ducts in a row. 

Telemarketer:  Wow, we have another representative on your street right now, that could easily help alleviate any concerns you may have about your duct system.

Me:  Is it just me, or could this be the greatest day of my life?

Telemarketer: You know nothing can help one’s contentment with their life better than a comprehensive life insurance plan.

Me:  Wasn’t it Lou Gehrig who said “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this Earth?” Now where did I put my credit card, it sounds like I am going to have to up my pitiful monthly limit.

Telemarketer:  You know we have a bulk pricing deal going on right now. With a Carbon monoxide detector, new windows, duct cleaning and a new life insurance policy, I can probably save you almost seven percent under the suggested retail price.

Me:  I think it is time I elevated our trust level in this new relationship.  I just realized something. I am not the homeowner here after all. I am just the cabana boy on an emergency mission to address the fluffy towel crisis currently happening in the pool shed. Sorry for the confusion.

Telemarketer:  Interesting, we also have a convenient laundry \ dry cleaning service that just might be….

As people slowly abandon landlines as a vital communication tool for their homes, I sit and sadly contemplate the demise of those convenient evening calls. When the inevitable dirty duct plague occurs in the middle of this century, a plague that historians will accurately call “The Dirty Duct Plague of 2050”, don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Cue the blong:  If I sound like a grumpy old man this week, here is a foreboding song.


2 thoughts on “Telemarketing

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