Danger Due To Construction
I saw this sign at a local mall the other day and thought wow, what a responsible sign. They not only transmit a crucial message of “danger”, but they go on to explain in a little more detail, the rationale behind the warning. This sign was specifically designed for those detail oriented people who would read a Danger sign and wonder, “geez I wonder what is causing all this danger? I mean there could be so many reasons for danger, I just wish once a sign would have the decency to explain itself!”
In an attempt to capitulate to those type of people, I will for a moment pretend the world really cares about what your incredibly complex brain, and its need for the exquisite detail to explain almost everything. I will enter your fantasy world, where there are always deep explanations available to you, even if the the rest of us can get by with approaching a Yield sign, and simply yield without needing anymore detail behind the sign’s real hidden motive.
So here is the signage for the world of over explanation. This exercise also addresses my deep, unfulfilled desire to be a very successful, world renowned sign maker.
STOP: Because if you don’t stop, there is a high probability you will hit another car. It might not be as nice as your car, but that won’t matter when your car is crushed beyond recognition.
Restroom: This is not really a room to relax, and we would really prefer that you didn’t rest here at all. Please just go in, do your thing and then get out as quickly as you can figure out the automated hand dryer’s operational procedure.
Speed Limit 100 KMs. This is a speed we suggest for this part of the highway. This of of course is just a guideline. Drive as fast as you want or as slow as you want, since you no longer care, neither do we. We do however ask people in the HOV lanes to try to keep up with the other traffic, once you finished sending your text message.
Sale 50% Off: Only on clothes you wouldn’t wear if we gave those clothes away for free. And if a miracle occurs where you find a garment you would consider wearing in public, I promise you we won’t have your size.
This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops: And by frequent we mean ten times more than your most liberal definition of the word frequent. I mean we are a friggin bus, and we stop to pick people up who want a ride on a bus. Here’s a little bus secret. We also stop to let people off this bus. This on and off approach contributes significantly to our understated frequency message.
Free Parking: For those who work in the city or go to the airport often, let me explain this concept. You drive your car into our parking lot, you park that car, and then you don’t have to pay for the parking of said car. There are no machines to type in your license plate number. There is not an old guy in a booth asking for cash and there are no meters to swallow up your loose change. To put this another way, Parking is free.
Train tracks ahead: Now there is a little more to this sign than we can possibly explain. Without going into too much detail, there is a chance that, on those aforementioned train tracks ahead, there might be a train. In that case, we strongly advise you to stop because trains are very large powerful machines, and when you are hit by a train, wearing your seatbelt won’t provide the kind of security you’re anticipating.
Road Closed: There is a road here that you traditionally drive on to get home at a decent hour. That road is no longer open, so figure out another way to get home.
School Zone: This is to remind you that when your children get home today, they will not be any better behaved than they were when they left for school this morning.
Bridge Ices: I appreciate we leave this sign up all year, but it’s real significance will primarily be felt during the winter season. Caution: Once during a very hot summer day, a truck carrying tons of ice spilled its cargo on this very bridge. Eventually those little ice cubes melted and this temporary danger literally evaporated away.
On Strike UAW: One of our employees was suspended for not coming to work for seven months. He was dealing with some personal issues that management refused to support. The union stewards had no other options but to shut the plant down.
Deer Crossing: Every few years a deer will cross the road right where this sign suggests it should. More often the deer cross the road wherever they feel like because they are deer. This would be very aggravating if deer won’t so damn cute.
Lanes Merge Ahead: These two lanes eventually will become one lane, just like a perfect marriage. If you are single it’s the perfect time to play chicken with any car attempting to merge, the winner gets a Coke.
Please use Revolving Doors: We appreciate the other doors are much easier to open, however you must agree revolving doors are much more challenging to use, and if you are successful you do get a great sense of superiority. This feeling is increased if these are automatic revolving doors, and your are one of those rare people who don’t touch the door and stop it from working. This delusional sense of high self worth will be destroyed once you enter our building and meet your boss at the meeting room down the hall.
Slippery When Wet: Everything is slippery when it gets wet. This sign is just a way to remind you of that indisputable universal law.
I could go on for much longer, but since you have already concluded that I have gone on too long, I will cease in my effort to satisfy those very detail oriented people who see over analyzing, as the only approach for every thing they do. Let me end with one final sign, detail oriented people often misinterpret.
Exit: In most structures, this sign is illuminated in a gentle shade of red, to indicate you have overstayed your welcome and it is time for you to leave. Try not to take it too personally when you hear the applause as you vacate our building.
Cue the Blong. Interesting the word “Over” can have very opposite meanings.
I Can’t Get Over You