Personal Weather

The progression in the sophistication of technical scientific advancements of our time, is a mind bogglingly impressive evolution. Before moving on, lets reread the first sentence, because I used a lot of wordy words that should get me noticed at this weekend’s English literature retreat where we are reexamining the connection of Shakespeare’s sonnets with Kanye’s hip hop lyrics.

I wanted to insert the word prestidigitation in my opening as it is one of my favourite words. I am constantly challenged with its proper use by my old school magician friends, who continually insist there is nothing up their sleeve.

Prestidigitation is unarguably a terrific noun that continues to be underused because it is so hard to insert into daily conversations that too often veer to fluctuating oil prices and teenager under appreciation. There is probably an obvious sleight of hand connection to those topics, but I don’t have the time to explore that right now. As a bit of a visionary, I am persistently looking into the future state, as this is what visionaries do. I want to ensure I have stockpiled enough groceries to survive the inevitable Armageddon that the price of asparagus indicates is arriving sooner than we think.

Prestidigitation is very similar to the word prediction. The difference is I didn’t have to look up the spelling of the word prediction, as I tend to default to ideas I can actually spell.

Thinking about predictions while wrapping my head around the future state forced me to peer at my weather app, which suggests we are moments away from delivering personalized weather. Personalized weather will be exciting because it will merge hourly radar forecasts, your Fitbit data and your psychological profile that your HR department reviews daily for a little laugh.

Imagine waking up every morning with the following message?  If you don’t have a vivid imagination skip to the last paragraph.

Good morning Bill, I know your unfamiliar colleagues still call you William, but I feel we are well past that kind of formality. Today’s forecast is pretty attractive. The day will start with a little fog, but you will be so busy looking for you car keys you will hardly notice. Your car keys aren’t on the hook where you are supposed to put them because when you arrived home last night, you were carrying groceries. You forgot to take your shoes off, and your wife did point this out, but you headed straight for the refrigerator, because of that text reminding you that once again you forgot to buy milk.   You were so proud of not forgetting milk last evening, that when you arrived home you inexplicably placed your car keys in the butter dish on the that side of your refrigerator that has the mysterious plastic pull down lid.

You drive to work will be challenging as the song “Don’t Stop Believin” will come on your radio at 7:22 a.m. and as always you will start singing along with the chorus and miss your exit on the highway. When you finally arrive at work this morning you will discover you forgot to save the final version of the inspiring slides for your 11:00 a.m. presentation. As always you will blame an unsuspecting colleague for your error. The problem will be solved quickly by a young student intern. This volunteer employee will call you William because they don’t have our tight relationship and you will forget to thank them for their help.

Your long anticipated lunch appointment with the Vice President of Sales will not go swimmingly. You will defend your strategy of placing ads in daily newspapers nobody under the age of thirty reads anymore because that was such a successful approach during the Eisenhower administration. When the lunch bill arrives from your waiter named Sven, you will pretend to be cleaning your glasses and the VP will pay as you order an herbal tea to go.

The sun will shine through the dirty window of your office at 3:11 p.m. and the squinting you display, will cause you to spill your herbal tea all over your freshly printed expense report. You will have to redo this report but you will add $1.43 for Herbal tea under the office supply section of the expense report

On the drive home it will rain a little as you responsibly put your wipers on that rhythmic intermittent setting. While singing along to “Don’t Stop Believin”. You wonder why the radio station keeps playing this same song as you will discover you are listening to your party mix CD, that has been on repeat for days.

When you arrive home you will remember the text from you wife reminding you to get butter, because your car keys added an organic rusty tone to the current supply and you will apologize as you place your car keys on the proper hook by the door.

The Sunset will be magnificent tonight but you will miss it because you will be watching yesterday’s broadcast of Jeopardy that you PVRd. The final Jeopardy answer will be: ‘The famous line “Out, out brief candle.” Is spoken after the announcement of this woman’s death?’

You will immediately yell out the answer “ My Aunt Isobel”, forgetting the topic was “Famous Shakespeare Quotes”, not “Relatives of Mine Who have died.” When the answer is revealed as Lady Macbeth you will mumble something that sounds like “that’s what I meant.”

The evening will end with a lot of commotion as your family suggests it is time they planned their annual family vacation. Suggestions will range from an overseas trip, a rustic cottage up north to a Disney Cruise. You will welcome all ideas as you always do and finally decide to visit Graceland for the fifth year in a row. The weather is always nice in Memphis during the middle of August.

As your day slowly concludes, you will find inner peace. This will occur when you accidently bang your head against the hook that currently holds your car keys. The bruise on your temple will last for a few days, which will be a tad longer than this feeling of inner peace you have temporarily achieved. As you lay in bed the thunder and lightening will snap you back into reality before drifting into a deep peaceful sleep. You will dream of becoming a famous magician making millions in Vegas. Prestidigitation will never come up as your dreams have a very limited vocabulary.


Cue the blong:  This song was written for a female voice.  Since I do not possess this type of vocal range, your disappointment will only magnify the sadness of the lyrics.  Without permission I have used the verb form of weather here.

Weather The Storm


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