What a Year!

 

What a year!

 

It has been quite a year. As December slowly races by, it is vital that we take a moment to sit down and reflect. My use of “slowly races” here, was my attempt at using an oxymoron. Like Jumbo Shrimp, or Little Big Man, putting words together that mean the exact opposite is considered literary gold.

Now those who got past that the brilliance of my opening will remember that I suggested it is time to reflect. Many of you immediately ran to your bathroom mirror totally misunderstanding I was using reflect in a much more metaphoric way here.

I also mentioned that is was time to sit down, and that can be difficult to do as you look around the room you are in and realize the chairs in that room are currently occupied. These chairs are not filled with people, but coats that were not hung up, boxes that need to be wrapped for the upcoming Christmas celebration and of course your pets, that find your soft chairs an excellent spot to sleep for nine hours during the daytime.

We are now three paragraphs into this week’s blog and my editor is suggesting I might want to get to the point. Upon reflection, it occurs to me that I am the editor. I will consider this strong advice from a very intelligent colleague. Let the reflecting begin. To keep this reflection in a much more orderly fashion, I will go month by month, to employ the three C’s of superior reflecting. Calendarize, Chronologicalize, and Compartmentalize. A reminder that using words that don’t exist, can contribute to a much more intense reflection.

January 

The year started pretty well, as I completed many hampers of laundry in early January. I celebrated an early victory by matching 47% of the socks that clung desperately to the interior of the dryer cylinder. As the year wore on, it would be clear that matching these socks might be the highlight of my year.

February

Since this was a Leap Year, I knew that having an extra day would only elevate the chances of achieving significant contributions to the world this year. I was wrong.

March

One of the companies I do consulting work for, suggested that they give me a formal feedback report on my work. I knew this was not a good idea, but they insisted. I was right.

April

For the 43^rd year in a row I did not qualify for the Master’s Tournament. I am considering changing my putter.

May

My annual meeting with my financial advisor shared some very exciting news about my future. When I retire I can live like a king. I will not be able to afford to eat, but I will live like a king. I will also have enough money left over to pay my hydro bills, if I commit to showering only during the months that start with the letter “M”.

June

As the weather seemed to be improving significantly, I decided it was now a reasonable time to contemplate removing the trusty snow tires from my car.

July

Bought a very picturesque calendar at the mall that was on sale. It was half price!

August

To celebrate our special wedding anniversary, I bought my wife a wonderful weekend at an exclusive spa. My wife reminded me that our anniversary was in June.

September

Realizing school was about to begin I completed this year’s entire curriculum well before the first day of class. I did meticulous research on my students to ensure they would each have a wonderful learning experience this year. I shared my plan with my brother who quietly pointed out that I wasn’t a teacher.

October

I struggled to choose the perfect Halloween costume. I weaned it down to Batman, one of those Ninja Turtles or that guy form the Trivago commercials. As time was running out I decided to abandon my plan and do what every high school student does who still go out to get the candy that is designated for toddlers. I dressed up as a Hobo.

November

Upon reflection of the TV coverage for the US presidential election sponsored by Viagra some facts became clear. A detection of a brand new ejection fraction formula was presented for the pollsters to consider.

Election + Erection = Rejection

(Using detection, reflection, ejection, election, erection and rejection in the same paragraph is not literary gold like an oxymoron is, but it is close.)

December

That pile of socks in my laundry hamper is suggesting that I will exceed that 47% matching threshold, if I loosen the definition of “matching” with the white socks.

 

I appreciate that the month of December is not over, but based on my current projections, no significant contributions will be made for the rest of this month. My relatives will argue that major disappoints will occur on the 25^th, after unwrapping my unremarkable presents for them. My position on this is really quite logical: Everybody can always use a few more pair of socks, even if they don’t match.

 

Cue the Blong:  Remember there are cheaper gifts than socks.