If you browse the many sites that house job opportunities you will quickly discover a few things. Sites like Monster.com, Workopolis.com and of course Getajobyoulazybasturd.com are some of the many sites that help you land your dream job. In fairness the last website referred to here, was developed by frustrated parents. Frustrated parents who were trying to encourage their university-educated children, to get out of the family basement.
The first thing you will notice after perusing these sites is that you are currently unqualified for about 93% of the jobs available. The second thing you will realize is that teamwork is a very important attribute to demonstrate these days, though I don’t believe sending in a team member to actually do your interviews, will be considered the best display of that highly sought after attribute.
The one job that many organizations seem to be looking for with surprising desperation, is job titled “Personal Assistant”. Again when reviewing the qualifications for this job I came to two important conclusions. The first one I have already mentioned, I am severely unqualified for this position. The second conclusion was a little more surprising. It is more than apparent I am in dire need of a personal assistant.
To embrace the new world of transparency, I will provide a much more detailed description of the skills and knowledge I require for anyone who is contemplating an exciting career change.
Personal Assistant: Job Description
- Communication: Your ability to transform my incomprehensible emails into pieces of leadership poetry will be an asset.
- Time Management: This skill will be paramount in your role here, as I have recently lost my watch.
- Problem Solving: You must demonstrate a unprecedented ability to solve every problem I create.
- Strategic thinking: Expectations are that you are currently mastering the art of strategy. Once you master that art it will be imperative that you teach it to me.
- PowerPoint: A high level of competency in this software will be critical in making my typical painful and dull presentations appear to be priceless pieces of art.
- Spreadsheets: This will be less important in your role, though we will meet weekly on Wednesday morning, to look at numbers and just smile at how little we understand the many reports we will pretend to use.
- Story Telling: This is a little misleading, as it is really more the skill of story listening that I require. You will never get tired of the stories I tell where I almost meet famous people.
- Coffee Making: You will not be expected to perform this task after 10:30 a.m. any day of the week. I may call you at home on the weekends to help with my technically advanced coffee maker at home.
- Car Washing: I will provide all the essential ingredients to ensure my car sparkles in the parking lot. You must provide extra cloths for drying.
- Social Media: You will have many opportunities to demonstrate courage at work, as you continually delete the Tweets I post about the neighbour’s unkempt front lawn.
- Organizational Skills: Your ability to make my calendar appear very busy, regardless of employees and customer’s tendency to never be available when I call, will be a hallmark of your organizational and planning skills.
- Baseball Trivia: It is critical that you know the starting line up for the opening day roster of the Toronto Blue Jays. This will only enhance your participation in my story of being there on opening day. This is a story I tell frequently at meetings.
- Original cast of Gilligan’s Island: This will only help you as we constantly engage in the “Who do you prefer? Ginger \ Mary Ann?” debates.
- Billboard Charts: Since I haven’t bought a new record in decades, your insights into current music trends will help me if somebody brings up the phrase “Hip Hop” during performance review discussions.
- Stock Market: You must have a rudimentary understanding of all financial markets to help explain to me why I keep losing money with my investments.
- Politics \ Religion: Please show maturity here as you resist adding your own personal views on any conversations that might lead to disagreeing with me.
- Company Policies: You will be the “go to” person when HR drags me into their office to defend some so called “violation” of current acceptable policies and procedures. By “go to” person what I really mean is you will be blamed for every infraction I make.
- Movie Trivia: Your depth of knowledge in understanding of the subtle nuances in Sly Stallone movies vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger movies will significantly increase your chances for invites to my annual cocktail parties. This will also help you at our annual Christmas party if you are hanging around at the bar where I bring up this topic right before we start charging for the drinks. Insights into Steven Segal movies will only elevate these conversations.
- I will expect you to be at my house very early every morning to hit that annoying snooze button that disrupts my critical beauty sleep.
- I will provide the snow blower for you when you shovel the snow off my driveway during the winter. Sidewalks should be done first.
- When the grocery shopping is complete, please return the environmentally friendly bags back to the storage area at the office.
- When you take the children to their sporting events, try to cheer a little louder than the parent you are sitting beside. The kids will appreciate your enthusiasm.
- Hours of work will always be very flexible… for me.
- Garbage Day at my household is Tuesday.
- Participating in the landscaping of my house will provide you a unique opportunity to flex your underappreicated artistic muscle.
- The vacuum cleaner is in the hall closet, right beside the ironing board. Wednesday afternoon would be a great time to get familiar with these items, as I will be golfing.
This is an equal opportunity posting, as I do not discriminate on Race, Culture or Gender. The exception here is I tend not to see eye to eye with the Dutch. I do admire the paintings of Vincent van Gogh, and I have recently discovered I seem to get along much better with people who are dead, than those people who are currently alive.
Salary is negotiable but the duties are not. Please submit your resume to me no later than the first snowfall of the year.
Cue the Blong: A more detailed description of your attitude when applying for this employment opportunity.