Eh Canada
There was quite a kerfuffle last month when the Canadian government concluded that our national anthem might be offensive to Bruce Jenner, so those insulting lyrics had to be changed. Now I appreciate the word kerfuffle is not a word you use often. I desperately tried to find a better descriptor, like commotion or disturbance, but kerfuffle seemed less abrasive and so much more Canadian.
This motion to change our anthem lyrics was tabled by MP Mauril Belanger, of the governing Liberal Party, who is suffering from ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Lou Gehrig was a former New York Yankee who played during the Babe Ruth era. He gave a famous speech at Yankee Stadium where he thanked the fans as he was forced to retire with this hideous disease. “Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.” What is less known is after the microphone was turned off he looked at Babe Ruth and whispered, “What’s with that Canadian anthem? I mean seriously, ‘Thy sons command? ‘ National Anthems should not sound like a Hamlet soliloquy!”
Change is hard. So is cheese if you forget to tightly wrap it up and put it in those crisper drawers that every refrigerator offers somewhere near the bottom of their design. Nobody likes change which is why I resist changing my bed sheets until absolutely necessary. The reason most people are resistant to any kind of change, is that it often forces many to learn new things. That kind of personal transformation causes something the British refer to as kerfuffles.
Did you know there were four verses to your National anthem? Of course you didn’t. It is not your fault because you barley know the second verse to most songs. Imagine if before every sporting event, the singer decided to sing every verse of our anthem. Hockey games would end at three in the morning, and I suspect the crowd would get more than a little impatient by the third verse. If you ever saw an Emerson, Lake and Palmer concert, you know exactly what I mean, but enough about overlong progressive rock bands.
I feel it is my patriotic duty to share with all, the many, many verses of our National Anthem. I will use the old lyrics here, as the new anthem change must still pass through our Senate, and we all know that discerning legislative body tend to only show up when bills titled “Senate Raises” are being proposed.
Oh (Canada),one more thing. Since our government is in this mood similar to the 1980 movie, The Changeling, I thought I might also offer a few changes of my own, to our National Anthem. To start, I have changed the title to Eh Canada. Below are the two versions as I attempt to tap into your nationalistic fervour. Please stand at attention or at least sit up straight, while reading.
O Canada
O Canada! Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land, glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee;
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada! Where pines and maples grow,
Great prairies spread and Lordly rivers flow!
How dear to us thy broad domain,
From East to Western sea!
The land of hope for all who toil,
The true North strong and free!
God keep our land, glorious and free.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada! Beneath thy shining skies,
May Stalwart sons, and gentle maidens rise.
To keep thee steadfast thro’ the years,
From East to Western sea.
Our own beloved native land,
Our true North strong and free!
God keep our land, glorious and free.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Ruler supreme, who hearest humble prayer,
Hold our Dominion, in thy loving care.
Help us to find, O God, in thee,
A lasting rich reward.
As waiting for the better day,
We ever stand on guard.
God keep our land, glorious and free.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Eh Canada
Eh Canada, The greatest land you’ll see!
We’ll hide our pride, with each apology.
Without a doubt, this northern route,
Has Land beyond compare,
The geese and moose, the beaver tails, the cuddly grizzly bear.
Eh Canada, Better than the rest.
Eh Canada, We pass with every test.
Eh Canada Won’t brag but we’re the best.
Eh Canada, north of the USA,
Some travel there, a few decide to stay.
Mary Pickford, Martin Short and William Shatner too,
Justin Beiber, Celine Dionne, Drake and The Guess Who.
Eh Canada, Better than the rest.
Eh Canada, We pass with every test.
Eh Canada Won’t brag but we’re the best.
Eh Canada we love the letter “U”,
Honour our Colour, our sense of humour too.
Kilograms to Celsius and Smarties that are red,
No sofas here, just chesterfields, a letter we call zed.
Eh Canada, Better than the rest.
Eh Canada, We pass with every test.
Eh Canada Won’t brag but we’re just the best.
Eh Canada, like England merged with France,
High school French, an accent with romance.
Frère Jacques, et Alouette, MercI Beaucoup pour toi.
Je me Souviens, Michelle ma Belle, Voulez vous coucher avec moi, [(ce soir) ((optional))]
Eh Canada, Better than the rest.
Eh Canada, We pass with every test.
Eh Canada Won’t brag, but we’re the best.
Ten provinces, those territories too,
Lakes every where, Snow and summer dew.
The hockey puck, so many beers, the Hubble telescope,
Northern Lights, First Nation rights, Diversify and cope.
Eh Canada, Better than the rest
Eh Canada, We pass with every test
Eh Canada, Won’t brag but we’re the best.
Bonus Blong. Many have been more than supportive of my little ditty “Where’s My Gun” in response to the latest U.S. mass shooting. One more reason to celebrate this great country of ours. Your special bonus here is you not only get to hear this, but you get watch this. I suffer for my art, so now it’s your turn to suffer.
Breaking Well 