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Christmas is a Month Away!

 

Rarely do I have the discipline to time code my thoughts. I don’t do this because of a little thing called procrastination. When I review 2015’s New Year’s resolutions this human fallacy is always exposed.

2015 New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Set the new speed record for the 100-meter race.
  2. Star in four blockbuster movies and receive two Oscar nominations.
  3. Travel to Mars and back in my 2008 Toyota Camry.
  4. Using steel wool, develop a compound to address male pattern baldness.
  5. Cause a lunar eclipse on my birthday.
  6. Write a million selling Christmas song.

There were a few more, but these were the most realistic ones. Well as always the ideas were brilliant, but I procrastinated and now with barely over a month until the next New Year, my accomplishments will once again fall a tad short of my expectations.

Which brings me to this important date, November 25th. (I will not include the year here, in case I republish this blog next year knowing you have all forgotten its brilliant message)

Christmas is getting a lot of bad press these days because of its lack of inclusionism. Inclusionism is getting a red line as I type so it may not be a word, but my vocabulary is so limited, I can’t seem to find the proper noun to describe the thousands of tweets, emails and Facebook postings that suggest Christmas is offensive to a lot of people. My position on this is quite clear.  We have too much time on our hands these days, and we are now offended by everything except sunrises and sunsets.

Some call it Christmas. Lazy celebrators call it Xmas, and the really lazy ones just slur something that sounds like Xms. So as one prepares for a statutory holiday that has forced companies to give employees a day off, I will offer a little guidance for your preparation of the holiday. Christmas tradition suggests that organizations that do not give time off for this special day, will be visited by three ghosts, and possibly the new cast of Ghostbusters.

I will limit my important coaching lessons to three items:  Shopping, Parking and Turkey Basting.

Shopping

The non-procrastinators can skip this section, as they completed all of their purchases by August 12th.  Local malls are now overpopulated with busy people carrying many bags, hoping to beat fellow shoppers to the must have items of the year. Fights are breaking out in the lines as the intellectuals debate the “Seasons Greetings” signs plastered all over the stores. I suppose people have less “Christmas Spirit” than even “Seasons Spirit” this year.

To avoid the lineups, public coughing and our innate desire not to interact with other people, online shopping has offered a wonderful option for consumers. Shoppers with slight paranoia commit to their December obligation of privately running up the unmanageable balances on their credit cards, while avoiding the wandering eyes of the PIN stealing public.

Parking

For the online shoppers, I suggest parking in your driveway is a very good idea. For those who must go to the mall I present three solid strategies.

  1. Get to the mall at 4:00 a.m. You will get a parking spot within 6,800 meters of the mall entrance.
  2. Go to the mall at 5:00 a.m. but borrow you Dad’s handicap parking sticker. This will get you a prime parking spot, but try to limp a little as you exit your vehicle.
  3. Go to the mall at 6:00 a.m. and park near any loading dock with your hazard lights on.  That Christmas light like blinking, will really put your fellow shoppers in the proper mood.

Turkey Basting

When I said turkey basting I meant Christmas movies I really enjoy. In no particular order I offer these classic Christmas tales as must see TV, as you wrap those gifts your friends and family will do their best to appreciate.

A Christmas Carol

It’s a Wonderful Life

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

White Christmas

Love Actually

Die Hard

Breaking Bad “The Christmas Special”

Fast and Furious (Christmas shopping on December 24th)

Turkey Basting (Though this is a porn film, the soundtrack is very festive)

Well I sincerely hope this one-month notice inspires many to put down your phone and start filling your closets with bags and boxes of unimaginable (this word will come up again) joy. You may be thinking this week’s offering is a lot shorter than usual.  You might also be thinking about turkey basting.  I kept my thoughts brief this week because I want to address resolution Number 6.  Write a million selling Christmas song.

With only 38 days left to complete this goal I knew I had to create a sense of urgency in my plan.  Now a couple of ideas came to me to help accelerate the completion this goal. Neither idea is original as many of you who spend an hour or seven on social media sights will know. Idea one, was to get a picture of a child suffering with cancer and ask people to provide a million likes to help comfort this patient, while I cleverly link my song to this post. For Idea two, I thought of getting a picture of a one hundred year old veteran and ask for one million likes to help support the sacrifice made by this senior citizen, and once again link my song to this photo. Clearly great ideas but some might think a little heartless. Then it hit me, what if I posted a picture of a 100 year-old man with cancer singing my song and asked for support? This, my friends is called lateral thinking or perhaps cross media marketing.

Now as the word unimaginable enters your mind for the second time today, let me remind you this word should not even exist in the English language, as everything is imaginable.

In the end, lucidity and human decency trumped over an overactive desperate ego. I decided to just post the song and suggest  if you smiled, you might want to pass it on to others who might need a smile this time of year.

WARNING:  if you choose to share or pass on you might get a nasty communication from iTunes, as this song is not registered with Apple, and they don’t like that. They don’t like that because by law, they are now officially in charge of all music.

Thank you and in my final attempt not to offend, let me say Merry Greetings to all.

Melf the Elf

By Dennis Ford

 

Let me tell you bout an elf up north

A funny story that goes back and forth

He doesn’t like those little girls and boys

But what he really hates is making toys…

 

Melf the Elf, a terrible horrible guy

Melf the Elf, is happy if he makes you cry

Melf the Elf, he’s short and constantly mad

Melf the Elf, makes sure your Christmas is bad

 

If you ask for Less, he gives your More

If you wish for peace, he gives you war

If you crave that phone, you’ll get you clothes

No diamond earrings, he’ll pierce your nose

 

Melf the Elf, a terrible horrible guy

Melf the Elf, is happy if he makes you cry

Melf the Elf, he’s short and constantly mad

Melf the Elf, makes sure your Christmas is bad

 

That precious doll, becomes a sock

If you ask for cash, you get a rock

That little puppy, won’t show up

It’s his “special” way, to say “hey grow up”

 

Melf the Elf, a terrible horrible guy

Melf the Elf, is happy if he makes you cry

Melf the Elf, he’s short and constantly mad

Melf the Elf, makes sure your Christmas is bad

 

Those things you wanted, will be missed

Cause that nasty elf, changed Santa’s list

As you open presents, realize

That old Melf the elf,well he likes to surprise

 

Melf the Elf, a terrible horrible guy

Melf the Elf, is happy if he makes you cry

Melf the Elf, he’s short and constantly mad

Melf the Elf, makes sure your Christmas is bad

 

So if you’re having just a miserable Christmas,

And not sure who you should blame

 

Blame Melf the Elf, despises children who play

Melf the Elf, He’ll try to ruin your day

Melf the Elf’, Christmas isn’t his thing

Melf the Elf, she got a book instead of a ring

Melf the Elf, promises made on a lap

Melf the Elf, wrong gifts but beautiful wrap

Melf the Elf, He’s bad but cannot be caught

Melf the Elf, that present is nobody’s fault

 

Melf the Elf…Melf!

Cue the million seller….

 

 

For the more visual types, I offer the YouTube link

 

 

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One thought on “Christmas is a Month Away!

  1. Next year I will be watching for a major TV production featuring ” Melf The Elf”
    Move over Grinch…Melf is here to spoil Christmas

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