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Screen-shot-2013-05-30-at-7.07.34-AMTexting Tutorial

The efficiency of using acronyms while texting is allowing us to say so little so much faster. My 68% mark in grade 12 French Class might indicate that my ability to communicate in unfamiliar languages is low, but this had much more to do with my difficulty in conjugating verbs. As I struggle understanding the evolving language of text, I thought I would share a little decoding I have worked painfully at, to help me better understand what the texters are attempting to say. A little full disclosure: My texts now seem to leave the receivers of my messages in a state of confusion. The list is incomplete and open to interpretation, just like most people’s tax returns.

LOL                             Laugh out loud

LQ                               Laugh Quietly or in most cases not at all.

LMAO                          Let’s Make Another Omelette: Often used during Sunday morning brunches when you don’t really want to talk to your family.

LMFAO                       Let’s Make Fried Anchovie Omelettes.  This seems a little redundant from the previous acronym, however it has greater specificity for spicing it up.

TBAITF                       The Beans Are In The Freezer. This might seem a little trivial, but it is a very helpful message when you are looking for beans.

NTIHAH                     Not tonight I have a headache, though in fairness this text is usually followed up with live communication to reconfirm the original message.

BILT                             But I Like Texting is a response to those Neanderthals, who insist you should call and explain what the hell you are saying.

ITWSBU                     I think we should break up: Seems to be a very popular way to end relationships these days.

ITWSBUIWTDYS       I think we should break up I want to date your sister. Only use one when pressed for your reason for breaking up.

TTYL                          This Time You’ll Lose: A sobering reminder that every winning streak has to come to an end.

TTYMF                       Talk to you March Fifth. It seems most people don’t really have a lot going on March Fifth.

OMG                            Open My Garage. This can also be done without texting if you have an automatic garage door opener.

BRB                             Bloody Roast Beef: A very hip way to let your waiter know you like your meat medium rare.

BRBIJTAQTTA           Be right back I’m Just Taking a Quick Trip to Asia.  It is just good manners to indicate to the receiver approximately when you will be responding to a text.

AYSYFTBM                Are you serous you forgot to buy milk!  Since couples stop talking when this occurs this is a subtle way to keep lines of communication open when fighting with your spouse.

TGITCBMLLJB            The guy in the car beside me looks like Justin Bieber. We do not advocate texting while driving unless the guy in the car beside you looks like Justin Bieber.

BTW                           Betty to Wilma, very helpful when deciphering whose texting who on the Flintstones.

BTF                            Barney to Fred (see above)

WYLFWT                    Would You Like Fries With That?  McDonalds employees are now encouraged to text customers at the drive through to help speed up service.

BFF                              Bring French Fries: If you forgot to order fries, this is a common text to best friends who are on their way over to eat your food.

IMTFD                        I Meant The Fridge Downstairs. This is an important follow up when your receiver is still looking for beans in the upstairs refrigerator.

XOXO                          Xylophones Only: Xylophones Only. When attending a Xylophones only concert, it is a good to remind the audience of the limited instrumentation of the orchestra. This is why people often text XO twice, to remove any doubt of the evening’s concert expectations.

WTF                            Where’s The Formula? You will receive this text from your babysitter if you forget to leave enough full bottles for your baby, while you are out at the Nine Inch Nails concert. I mean seriously WTF?

TMI                             Too Much Incense. This is a very common message to receive after visiting a Séance or most religious ceremonies.

TLC                             Turn Lever Clockwise! A very helpful reminder text, when you struggle to tighten your levers.

2morrow                    Letting people know you have more than one morrow,

FYI                              Fake your interest! This text tends to come from yourself, to remind you that every text can’t be gold.

NP                               Nice Parachute   Use this one sparingly, and only if you feel the parachute is a lot nicer than most of the parachutes you have seen. Never use this if the parachute didn’t open in time, as this is no time for sarcasm.

MILF                           Man I like Fruit. A very courteous response to your friend’s mother who keeps offering you passion fruits.

ITAHICSTLAO            Is there anybody home, I can see the lights are on. This is an important text to send when your friend is ignoring your previous 65 texts and you drive over to their house.

TYVM                          Took Your Van Mom. Teenagers, this is an important message to your mother when you take the family van without asking.

ITBGCTHATE             In The Beginning God Created The Heavens and The Earth. If you are going to text the entire words of the bible, I suggest this is a much faster approach.

The decoding continues…

I feel like Alan Turing must have felt after decoding the Nazi signals that changed the outcome of World War II. Hell they made a movie “The Imitation Game” to honour his work.   I suspect my movie will be called  “The Limitation Game” and they will get Pee Wee Herman to play me.  Oh well, a man should know his limitations.

Cue the Blong:  GOTF or Gasoline on the Fire is my attempt to compose the catchiest chorus ever written.

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