The Things that I Have Learned
I am in a very reflective mood today so I thought I would start, with what my English teachers would call, a run on sentence. I am standing in front of a mirror, and looking at hairs that are growing out of areas of my poorly chiseled face and just wondering where are those cute little oddly shaped scissors we all possess, that came in a perfectly designed leather case with elastics to secure their position. Yes I am reflecting on follicles that are boldly growing where they never growed before. (spell check and grammar check wants me type grew, but growed sounds more nicer)
The delicate surgery is complete but my reflecting continues. I have been wandering around this planet a few years and as I wander I wonder. I wonder if I could share the intimate infinite wisdom I have acquired accidently, while searching for parking places just a little closer to the beer store, and have decided I must. I know this is exactly how the iconic humanitarian Albert Schweitzer’s felt that very moment he decided to devote his life to charity and helping others.
So here are the fifty things I have learned. Now if the number fifty scares you, understand I edited this down from infinity, which as mathematicians will tell you, is almost mathematically impossible to do. As I continue to amaze you, I want to remind you I did most of this editing without using my protractor.
- Look both ways before you cross the street. If you live near the airport, I would also look up. Traffic is everywhere.
- When you ask a girl to dance and she says no, acknowledge her good judgement.
- When asking for directions, be sure you know your right from your left.
- Tipping at a restaurant is kind of expected.
- If a country just south of you declares war on another country that is near a desert, it will end badly.
- When the mother of your children gives birth after 36 hours of labour, refrain from complaining about how tired you are.
- When attending a sporting event drink lots of beer. The fans around you will really appreciate the wise things you continually shout out.
- At family social events be sure to let others know how successful you have become as you apologize for habitually forgetting to bring a bottle of wine.
- If your boss ever questions your performance have a list of ten colleagues to blame for your failures (nine people will not be enough, trust me on that)
- While observing your children’s sporting events always yell at the volunteer officials, they really like when you do that.
- Try to change the political and religious principles of your aging parents, because older people are open to the counsel of the inexperienced.
- When arguing with others always think about what you are going to say while the other person speaks.
- As you work on your genetic experiments be sure to watch the last seventeen and half minutes of Jurassic Park, before executing your brilliant plan.
- Never get into a debate about science with a scientist.
- When invited to a friend’s place for dinner, be sure you mention that better recipe you have for whatever they are serving
- When your next-door neighbor, cuts your lawn after your three weeks of negligence, emit an angry environmentalist stare.
- Always tell young parents a better way to raise their children.
- When quoting a famous phrase attempt to get at least four of the twenty-seven words close to the original quote.
- While showing the two hundred and thirty six photos from your trip to Buffalo, ask your friends if there are images they would like to see again.
- After an incredible moment of passion remind your partner tomorrow is garbage day and you put it out last week.
- Continue to let your children know how they have disappointed you. This is also a great topic on long distant calls to your parents.
- When visiting an old age home, sneak up on the oldest residents and yell fire.
- When you finally get to the counter at a fast food restaurant, tell the teenager who’s serving you how long you have waited, because they wont’ know that.
- During your family Christmas celebrations, the more expensive the gift, the more appreciation you should show.
- When people with canes take longer than the green light allows to cross the intersection always honk your horn.
- When your buddies remind you that you have already told them your funny story, make that story last a little longer.
- At corporate town hall meetings, ask a question someone has already asked, but add the word “strategic” with your improved version of that question.
- As you meet an old friend at the mall who has a newborn in a stroller, be prepared to add a little more detail in your description of the baby’s beauty.
- While interviewing for a job, ask about the vacation policy and their vigilance in determining what qualifies for stress leave.
- If you are attending a high school reunion, go to a casino the night before, as you might be able to brag about how successful your investments have been.
- Always kick your partner’s leg under the table, if they start to yawn when they get to hear your surgery story …again.
- Never acknowledge the accomplishments of others if there is a risk the conversation spotlight has even a small chance of shifting away from you.
- Whoever does the grocery shopping in your house, always make time to inspect the bags and remind them of what they forgot to get.
- People who are constantly talking to prove how smart they are… usually aren’t.
- Publically correct grammar. When responding to emails you should also point out the grammar and spelling mistakes before giving your response.
- Instill a sense of hopelessness in every suggestion others make.
- While at an art gallery, try to look unimpressed while viewing every piece of art, and then remind everyone you took a night school art class in the eighties.
- If you are wondering if you might be high maintenance, you are.
- If you are convinced you are not high maintenance, you are wrong.
- Amendment to number 19. Put duplicates of the best slides, as why ask a question when you know the answer is yes?
- If you have children because you like to be appreciated, you are really going to enjoy being a parent.
- Encourage all to post more pictures of their pets on all social media outlets available.
- Always complain about the weather, regardless of the season.
- There is no fast way out of IKEA… or underground parking.
- Encourage telemarketers to call back again.
- Never answer the phone after one ring, as people will think you really want to talk to them.
- When cleaning your garage, just move piles from one side of your garage to the other, but then sweep a bit.
- Always, I mean never, no make that always, work a little harder just before your annual performance review.
- Think long and hard before you answering your partner’s question that includes the words “fat”, “old”, “ass”, “sister” “listening” “anniversary” and “what did you mean…”
- Never appreciate what you have, always complain about what you want.
Well Mr. Schweitzer, you must be rolling in your grave knowing somebody with far better facial hair, just made your entire life’s work of selflessly giving, kind of irrelevant. I won’t apologize, because that was number 51 on my list. Good news that will part of my next submission with the working title, “Why my magnetic personality can sometimes be a burden ”
Cue the Blong:
I found an old harmonica in a drawer usually reserved for batteries that might still work. This was the surprising result of that discovery.