The Top Ten Reasons to write a weekly Blog

  With the recent retirement of David Letterman, there are many out there suffering from painful Top Ten List withdrawal symptoms. Not having a daily fix of a list that spanned from the extremely silly to the extremely brilliant is very hard habit to quit cold turkey.

I once knew a guy who actually had an addiction to cold turkey. After every Thanksgiving dinner he would binge on those tasty leftovers in his bedroom with his bedroom door double locked to hide his shame. The family quickly got the man into a Poultry Addiction Treatment Centre, where his therapist decided not to adopt the popular, predicatable cold turkey approach as he tried to resolve this unusual weight gaining addiction. This avant-garde psychologist cleverly chose to use the untested hot turkey approach. As controversial as this technique was, the patient made remarkable progress. He faced his dependency with courage and commitment and because this addict kept burning the roof of his mouth with every hot piece of delicious white or dark meat, he began to accept the solution. All celebrated this unconventional approach and miraculously the dependency on refrigerated fowl was cured. Unfortunately after treatment, this guy just moved quickly back to his old addiction of overconsumption of cold pumpkin pie.

Again, as I do every week, I will demonstrate my benevolence, my high self-awareness and my unending pursuit to lower the real estate prices of my neighbourhood by easing humanity’s pain. So here is a quick fix for those currently in the fetal position, wailing in agony as they search for David Lettermen reruns on YouTube, seeking salvation from their affliction.

Top Ten Reasons to Write a Weekly Blog

  1. While writing a blog, you tend to eat a lot less pumpkin pie.
  1. You can write whatever you want because nobody reads weekly blogs.
  1. Writing a blog gives you something to do while you wait for the cable guy.
  1. In the winter others will shovel the snow because you are at your computer “working on something”.
  1. The art of writing a blog will contribute to your ability to compose much lengthier email responses when friends send you the message asking, “ Are we still on for tonight?”
  1. You find out on a weekly basis you are not as funny as you think you are.
  1. You learn how to replace batteries on your keyboard because you type so badly, make so many changes, edit down to just nouns, habitually cut, but forget to paste. Your keyboard dies a slow painful death from boredom.
  1. Correction: People do read weekly blogs, just not my weekly blog.
  1. Bystanders will think you are a very smart businessperson when you are in a coffee shop looking serious as you type on your keyboard.

And the Number 1 reason you should write a weekly blog… 1.   After writing your 103rd weekly blog, someone will send you a two word comment “Please Stop!” You will smile with uncontrollable pleasure knowing you finally have a dedicated audience of one.

I appreciate this was a temporary fix to a much larger problem, but there are other solutions. Here is another very practical way to address your desires for exposure to Top Ten Lists. Just go to any hotel in the world, sneak in to one of the big ballrooms, and sit at the back. There is a very strong chance that the president of that organization will get up at some point and present a very pithy Top Ten List. If the president of that company is a male, I guarantee that your need for this craving of a Top Ten List will be fulfilled. The president will do this because of his commitment to his recent 360 feedback, that says he has no sense of humour. This important learnable trait will nicely offset the sense of dread and hopelessness he emits with every well-rehearsed monotone phrase. The Top Ten List, that he will barely be able to deliver as he laughs knowing what’s coming next, will be filled with insider jokes that only he will get. Of course all the audience will laugh because he is the president of the organization and that is what happens at big company meetings. With this successful completion of his developmental goal, the president will immediately downsize fifty-seven random employees, but not his son in the mailroom. He will do this with a wonderful smile on his face, and will be promoted to that highly sought after global position in Germany, where he will be labeled as the “funny guy”.

Finally an important response to the insidious criticisms from my family, who suggest that I simply write the first thing that comes into my head.  They accuse me of having no internal filter as I demonstrate lack of ability in editing, good judgement and self discipline.  I slightly disagree. Clearly this is unwarranted as I can immediately prove the error in their unfair perception.  Below is the Top Ten list that I didn’t publish on this week’s blog (blong).

Alternative Top Ten List

  1. Writing a blog will compensate for inability to express yourself in that restrictive Haiku form.
  1. Blog writing temporarily decreases the wealth of Mark Zuckerberg as you ignore Facebook alerts for almost twenty minutes.
  1. Expressing your thoughts and feelings creates an illusion of attractiveness to women who haven’t really got to know you yet.
  1. Sitting at a computer for hours searching the Internet while trying to actually work, will create an inseparable bond of commonality with your children.
  1. You will appreciate authors who can actually write.
  1. Exhaustion from poor writing will convince you that what you have written is pretty good.
  1. Expanding your vocabulary with words you can’t pronounce and don’t understand will cause undeserved euphoric confidence.
  1. You will eat less pumpkin pie.
  1. Friends you send your blogs to, will avoid eye contact when you meet at social gatherings as you talk enthusiastically about your next idea for another unread blog.

And the number 1 reason (which in reality is the 20th reason) to write a weekly blog:

  1. Populating the Internet with unnecessary content, will ultimately get you a network reality show, and a guest appearance on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Cue the Blong.  Trust me there is a decent song buried in here somewhere.



4 thoughts on “Top Ten List

  1. Clearly someone is reading them. Likely guys that are not taking an exciting trip to Montreal. I mean, what else are they going to do? And quitting cold turkey cold turkey is a brilliant comedic concept, no matter what you say. You should be writing for Louis CK or somebody like that.

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